“One of the underlying reasons the ladies engaged private
investigator is to have control of this particular situation that
they have a stake in but not in control of.”
To stay or to leave?
“If he wants, I am willing to work on the marriage. I’m ok with divorce too.” A number of my clients will reply.
The reason why I always ask this question is because one of the underlying reasons (besides the obvious ones) the ladies engaged private investigator is to have control of this particular situation that they have a stake in but not in control of. This reason may not be obvious to some women as they are still on the emotional roller coaster. Now with the facts on hand, the ladies should take over the control, steer it and be the one telling the husbands what to do.
“But what if I want to work on the marriage and he doesn’t want?”
“Then you can start the ball rolling first, see a marriage counsellor or therapist, you still need to heal right if you want to stay in the marriage? Maybe when he sees your effort, he will start to change his stand? Use this time to heal, think through and observe. Try not to make a decision when you are emotional. Start by changing yourself BUT don’t forget to love yourself at the same time.” I said.
The whole process
It will take some time from deciding to implementation of your decision, at times it feels like a step forward to the decision is taking 3 steps away from your actual self (like dancing cha cha).
On certain days you want to leave, on certain days you want to stay. Sometimes, envisioning the future with or without him will spur you to give up everything and leave the country to escape from the responsibilities and whatever may come.
When memories of the past flood your mind, even breathing is painful. But always keep in mind why you started this; it is to –
: stop suspicions
: have facts to take control of the situation
: have the power to choose
: make an informed decision and etc
Remember that friend of mine, she engaged the Thai practitioner? On certain days, she would say spiteful words to her then-husband and on certain days she will activate every brain cell of hers to win him back. She took about 7 months before she throws in the towel.
“Can you share with me your thought process?” some of my clients will ask.
I like to write down my thoughts or draw mind maps using coloured pens, markers or highlighters as it offers clarity to a pretty messy brain of mine. A “My Husband’s Pros and Cons list” will be good to kick-start the process. Another one is those management cycles (you can google) with Setting Objectives, Planning, Execution and Review.
An example- Pros – Pay for household expenses, Cons- Lying. Different women will view it differently; one may say because he pays for the expenses hence it does “compensate” for the lies; others may say so what if he pays for the expenses it doesn’t give him a ticket to lie.
“Be it staying or leaving, take this as an opportunity
for learning and growth.”
Review your life with an attitude
One of my clients wrote it very aptly: “The cheating captured one slice in time and cannot show you the whole picture of a marriage. There are many factors to consider, like what happens after the incident, the children, money and of course what I want for myself and my life.”
I like her positive attitude; she took this setback as an opportunity to review what she wants in her life.
You are responsible for your attitude towards the situation in which you find yourself in. We face challenges day in, day out and it’s your attitude that makes the difference.
Be it staying or leaving, take this as an opportunity for learning and growth. I reviewed and restart my life ONLY in my forties…it’s never too late to start, you can do it too.
# Opinions expressed are solely my own and do not express the views or opinions of my employer – Ranger Investigation.